The Mermaid

    I have this thing with mermaids. It comes from this other thing I have with water. Mermaids have always fascinated me for many different reasons. To me they seem to be everything that I once wanted to be, much of what I am, and who I know I might have become.

    When I was very young a friend and I used to pretend that we turned into mermaids in the bathtub or in the pool. We would only speak of it in whispers as if it was a great secret that we shared. Thinking back on it now I liked the idea of being a mermaid for two main reasons. The first was the adventure of having a really big, important secret. The second, because mermaids are beautiful. Mermaids are always shown as incredibly beautiful women. They spend their time swimming in underwater palaces made of pearls and living coral, or sitting on the rocks combing out their long hair as they sing. Their singing and their physical beauty can sink ships and drive sailors mad.
    I used to spend a lot of time in pools when I was younger (I don't now because I have less access to them, not because I've lost interest). I still love going to a quiet corner, sinking to the bottom, watching my hair drift around me like long strands of soft seaweed, and turning graceful little twists, as much like a mermaid as I think I can.

    During High School, when my friends and I were playing games online with our different characters (where the Captain became a Fox), I was often known as the Mermaid. The Mermaid didn't really do much as I recall. We had one little plot line where she was kidnapped by merfolk and the others had to come rescue her. Occasionally she would splash people or rescue them from drowning. Most of the time she was in a human form so that I could go with my friends into towns and up mountains and other places mermaids can't go. But it was around that time that I bought myself some blue swimsuit material and a pair of fins and made my own, real mermaid tail. One of the most magical things I have ever felt was when I went to a huge olympic sized pool with a deep end made for diving, and slid into the water with my mermaid tail. You move differently with a fin, there's more power in every kick. The water was cold and clear, I was moving fast and freely, and the tail looked incredible as it pushed and turned, even though it was just some blue material sewn into a tube.
    There were other swimmers there too. I remember them watching me take my tail on and off, pointing and exclaiming to others. In the water no one really notices though. I swam for over an hour once before swimming by an elderly woman and surfacing to hear her comment “You're a mermaid!”

    As much as I like them, and identify with them, I'm still keenly aware of the real nature of mermaids. In Irish myths mermaids are almost always mentioned as luring sailors into the depths “having their way with them” and then leaving the men to die. They are known for causing ships to crash and sailors to die for no reason other than for their own whims. Mermaids are also well known in old tales for their tempers. Selkies in particular are known for causing much harm and even killing fishermen who killed seals or fished in seal territory. They're a terrible threat because on the outside they appear so innocent, just the little mermaid sitting on the rocks. They hide their real nature. In some stories, such as the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie, they appear at first quietly and are believed to be good, but when they are confronted in the water they show their fangs.
    Part of my personality is a mermaid. I call her the Mermaid. On the outside I know I appear innocent, I'm a good girl. I do want to be a good girl, but that's never enough to make the Mermaid go away. She hides behind my timidity, my desire to be good and polite and loved. The Mermaid craves more. A coworker recently commented that nothing phases me. He was seriously wrong. Everything phases me, because of the Mermaid's passion. She is always reacting in extremes. Boiling, freezing, screaming, laughing, singing, crying.
    The Mermaid loves trying to get out.

    She gets out here sometimes, I allow her to speak through my writing because she wants to be heard. I'll lay awake in bed some nights and think about all the ways I could tell people what I really think of them. Often it isn't bad things at all. I'll think about writing a love letter to the Captain, or of how I can tell Aisling how much she means to me. Or I'll remember bullies, old and new, and all the things I'll never say to them.
    But the Mermaid doesn't rule me, thanks to God and to a few close and dear friends. These close and dear friends know the Mermaid better than anyone. Most of them call me Mermy. I love mermaids and the ocean and though I have to keep an eye on it, I love the passionate Mermaid part of my heart. Without it I could not say thank you to my closest and dearest friends. A very grateful thank you to those of you who know me best, and who constantly encourage me and keep me in check. My life would be very lonely and dark without each of you, and I hope I return the favors just as often.