Plans

I stopped at my old high school the other day. I was there to pick up some papers from one of the teachers, but I ended up stopping and chatting too. They asked me how things are going, where I'm working, how my plans are going.

While I was there a bunch of students came into the room and started to sit down, and I remembered coming in to class every day. I chiefly remembered all the things I was concerned with during my senior year there. I had to do really well in class to get really good grades, had to get a really good score on the ACT, had to look for scholarship opportunities, had to apply for colleges, had to figure out the rest of my life then and there and not do anything that could mess it up.

My plan back then was that I would go to college for four years and study something I liked, then get a job I could tolerate and wait for the Captain to notice me.

My plan before that had been to be a singer and an actress or fight pirates.

Neither of those plans worked out, thankfully. But back when I was the one sitting there in my plaid skirt, trying to figure out the rest of my life, I didn't know what was really going to happen. In 2009 I wouldn't have been able to imagine that I'd be getting married in 2012, that I'd have a full time job at a pharmacy that I (for the most part) enjoy. I couldn't have begun to guess that I'd end up right here right now. I'm right where I want to be, and right where God knew I needed to be.

With that said, I still have plans. My plans right now are to get married, continue working at the phunny pharm until the Captain finishes school, then have kids, stop working, and homeschool all the kids. God could have any number of other plans for us though. At the moment I'm concerned about a health issue that could potentially make it difficult for me to have kids, and that's only one of very many things that could change our plans.

God is still in control. He was in control when I was finishing up High School and worrying about drama. He was still in control when I was miserable at college, and when I was miserable at my last job. He was in control when He gave me the job at the Phunny Pharm, and then switching to a nicer, safer, Phunny Pharm with more hours. He's in control now when I'm worried about wedding planning and about my health.

The same goes for all the kids trying to sort out exactly what will happen the rest of their lives. You don't know what's coming. You have great plans and hopes and dreams, and there's nothing wrong with any of it. I want you to know that God has plans too, and that His are better. We aren't capable of dreaming up the great things God can do, but that doesn't mean He can't make them happen. Try not to be too upset when your plans fall through, I promise it's not the end of the world. As long as you move forward with Him, He'll get you where He wants you to be.

Brother

I've been freaking out about wedding planning. Almost every week I have one or two wedding related nightmares. I was driving my brother around today and telling him about it.

I had a dream where someone had picked out my dress for me and it was purple instead of white. I had another one where The Captain was marrying me and some other girl, or somehow had another wife. There was one where I didn't have any bridesmaids or anyone to help me dress or do my hair. In a more recent one everyone was angry with me and I was all alone just wishing that someone would be happy.

I explained my frustrations and my worries right until we got in the driveway. We got out of the car and I was feeling overwhelmed and miserable when my brother stopped me by standing in my path. I was ready to be frustrated with him but he put his arms around me and said,

"I'm happy for you."

He's a good brother.

I really wish I could take back making him wear that tutu when he was five....

Frequently Asked Questions

**DISCLAIMER** I was told I should probably put some kind of warning on here to let everyone know that I talk about sex in this blog entry. I didn't put anything explicit, but there it is.

Over the past several years I've heard a lot of questions about Courting from friends, family members, random people at school, almost everyone I've ever spoken to. I was thinking about them recently and thought I'd respond to them at last. Just a note, these are all real things that real people have said to me.

“You're never gonna date anyone? How are you ever going to get married?”

I heard this one before the Captain and I were courting. I thought the obvious answer was that I'd meet a guy who also didn't want to date, who met my requirements for a good husband (my requirements were that he had to love God, had to want to homeschool our kids, and be mentally and financially stable), and we'd get to know each other before gettin' hitched. Oh look! That's what happened.

“You only want to marry him for his money.”

What money? If there was money it wouldn't have taken us this long to get engaged.

Oh right, the whole “I don't want to work, I want to stay home with the kids” thing. There's a big difference between sitting on the couch eating bon bons and spending all my husbands money, and spending the entire day washing dishes and telling kids they need to get their school work done before they can go play.

“Is he really into all that old stuff too?”

You mean old stuff like when I dress up in Medieval dresses and run around at the Renfest? Actually, he's not, I think he's afraid I'll try to make him wear tights. If you mean “Did you drag this courting thing up because you're trying to live in a fantasy version of olden times?” the answer is no. We both hated the idea of dating and decided that we wanted to use the more old fashioned term “Courting” because it doesn't have the connotation of “Hey! We're sleeping together!”

“You're sleeping together right?”

No.

“Are you ever going to?” “Don't worry, I'll explain it to you before the wedding.”

Whoa! We both have parents to explain it to us, and it seems like a pretty simple concept to me. Also, if a couple of middle schoolers can figure it out in the locker room I think the Captain and I will be just fine without your help thanks.

“Why don't you just do it?”

If it was just about sex we wouldn't be courting, or probably planning on getting married. The point is really to please God. I believe He would be disappointed in us if we were just like “Well, we're almost married let's not wait anymore.” And frankly, knowing that God was disappointed in me is the worst thing I can imagine doing. I would die first.

Also, it's proving our commitment to each other and that our relationship is based on more than sex. Because the Captain has been working so hard to get to a point where we can get married instead of just doing whatever, has really shown my family (mainly my dad) what an amazing guy he really is.

“I wish I had waited like you.”

Cool, then can we stop talking about how stupid it is to wait?

“Do your parents approve?”

Why wouldn't they?

“Do you like his family?”

His sister is my best friend and his mom and other sister are probably the closest other friends I have. I love his family.

“You don't kiss?! Do you hug? Do you hold hands?” “You're gonna look stupid at your wedding if you've never kissed before.” “What if he's a bad kisser?”

It's hard for me to not get really passionate about this one. I've been holding back calling the girl who told me we'd look stupid all kinds of names ever since she said it. Luckily I haven't seen her in years. Still, at least I won't look like a slut at my wedding.

UPDATE: We did look silly at our wedding. It totally didn't matter, and we've had lots of practice since ;)

And what if he is a bad kisser? I've never kissed anyone either, what if I'm a bad kisser? Should we call off the whole wedding just in case? It's about more than kissing just like it's about more than sex. More on that later though...

“You're never alone together?”

For the whole not having sex thing to work you have to draw lines somewhere. If you're kissing and hugging and cuddled up together alone in your bedroom under the blankets, you're not about to go “Oh but we have to stop now and not have sex.”
Mom made it clear my whole life that boys were not allowed in my room and I wasn't allowed in a boy's room. I also decided when I got my purity ring that I wanted my first kiss to be at my wedding. I felt that it makes that kiss much more special, it's not just “Mwah we're getting married” it's the first kiss ever, but also as man and wife.

“What if you get married and find out he has an STD?” “What if he's secretly a girl?” “What if...”

If the Captain had some big awful secret he was keeping from me his sisters probably would have told me, if not his mother. And, if he had an STD he'd be dead cuz his mother would have killed him. My mom would have done the same to me.

Also, if he was a girl his mother wouldn't have named him Gabriel. She probably would have named him Susie and I would be a lot less interested.

“You two are never going to have a fulfilling sex life if you don't have sex before you're married.”

Selfishness abounds! Since when did promiscuity become equal to fulfillment? If all you care about is really good sex, and you're willing to toss people aside like trash when you get bored with them, do you really feel fulfilled when you look back on it? And similarly, if you have been cast aside, (ladies especially) didn't that hurt? Even just watching kids at school date around while not necessarily sleeping together, I saw so many broken hearts. That's why I determined when I was young that I would never have my heart broken. I gave my heart only to the Captain, and he has been taking very good care of it.

The idea that having lots of sex with lots of people will somehow help you have better sex is ridiculous to me. Treating people like they don't matter at all, and being used by people who don't think you matter at all doesn't make good sex.
My Senior year in High school we walked into Marriage Family and Finance class (A required Senior class at my school) one day, and the teacher had written on the board “The Best Sex Ever.” The point she made was the exact opposite of “I'm gonna run around and sleep with everyone in sight because that will give me fulfillment!” Her point was what I believe, that faithfulness and only having sex with your spouse, saving it for marriage as part of your covenant to them that you made before God, is the best sex. (And in a perfect world would be the only sex.)

I don't understand how anyone got the idea that sleeping around would lead to a good marriage. Maybe that's why there are so many divorces, because people are so focused on themselves that they can't work together, or even love each other, the way God intended. If you've trained yourself to throw people aside for more interesting sex, how long are you going to stay with one person because you married them? You might looooooove them, but do you care about them enough to keep all of your marriage vows so long as you both shall live?

It's what I started to say about kissing. Who cares if we're good at kissing? Who cares if we're good at sex? You shouldn't, it's private. Plus, sex isn't really what's important,what matters to me is being completely faithful to my husband, and being secure in the knowledge that he is (will be) completely faithful to me.


“What does your wedding dress look like?”

White.

Respect

Our church college age group has become the engaged group. I think the Captain started a trend because a month or so after he proposed at least four more couples were engaged. A few months before that when we were looking for a new subject for us to go over when we meet we didn't know that we'd all be planning on getting married soon, and we picked the Love and Respect marriage conference series. We've mostly gone through the part about women, the love part.

To be honest, I don't remember much about that part. I do remember the guy saying to men to use the word “love” when they speak to their wives. I also remember driving home with the Captain and he said a sentence that had the word love in it five times, and that he was talking about me, but I cannot remember what he actually said. So that was lots of fun, and now we're on the Respect part.

The speaker said that he has asked women to write a note to their husbands signing it “with all my respect” and that most women have trouble with that. While we were sitting there I was thinking “I could do that, I don't understand why some women have a problem with that!” Until I started thinking about actually writing the word “Respect.”

It isn't that I don't have respect for the Captain, I have no trouble telling him that I will be obedient to him, or that I'll submit to him like it says in Ephesians 5:22-24. It's something about the word Respect.

When I was in Junior High School we had a Vice Principal who I had absolutely no respect for, and oddly enough, his two favorite words were Reiterate and Respect. “I just want to reiterate that we need to have respect for each other in this school!” He said practically the same sentence over about six times every morning and afternoon in the announcements, and I think everyone in the school got sick of it after he had been there for about a week.

More recently I went with my family to an urban ministry to kids in our city. The kids were roughhousing and picking fights with each other. My mom finally asked one of the boys why he kept yelling at the other children and he said that he wanted them to respect him.

I'm afraid that, to me, and potentially to a lot of other people, the word Respect has absolutely no meaning. Telling the Captain that I respect him to me seems like walking up and spouting nonsense, or not saying anything at all.

But the way the Captain described it, he made it have a little bit of meaning again. If someone tells him that he has their respect it means that he has earned it, is what I remember him saying. That they think he means something. So, even though the word sounded strange coming out of my mouth I wanted to say it to him because the Captain has done so much that deserves recognition in some way.

I think just saying “Respect” was too small though, it doesn't show how completely blown away I am when it hits me just how much he loves me. Or how impressive it is that he not only finished a book, but agonized over perfecting it and publishing it. Or how hard he's worked at college and jobs he didn't like because he knew he had to get through it. Or how he went back to my dad after being told no, fully expecting to hear “no” again. Or how he always does what is honorable and right to serve God.

I like Wonderful better. I think the Captain is wonderful.

Phunny Pharm Customers

To the customers at the Phunny Pharm,
To all the customers who know what drugs they're taking by name, and why they're taking them. To the customers who pick up their prescriptions when they say they will. To the customers who call their own doctors and insurance companies. To the customers who bring in their insurance cards, and their prescriptions before they expire.
To you good people who spell your names and don't give us nicknames, and who tell us when a name has been changed. To you people who don't act like copayments are our fault, and don't ask other people to pay them for you. To you who say those sweet words "I'll pick it up tomorrow."
To everyone who always takes their medications as directed. To everyone who doesn't loose or "break" bottles. To everyone who has never pharmacy shopped to get early controlled substances.
To everyone who chooses not to use the drive thru, and to you who don't smoke, eat, talk on the phone, or yell at your children in the drive thru or at the counter.
To all the men who don't flirt with us, or act like we're attracted to you.
To the people who don't curse at us, the people who don't defecate on the floor, don't steal, and wash regularly.

You're allowed to come in more often!

Thinking Back

Taking Engagement photos with the Captain the other day made me think back about our relationship. When I thought he was stuck up and didn't like me while secretly hoping he'd like me. Or when we were finally friends and I was terrified that my having a crush on him would drive him away. Going to proms together, playing Stratego over Skype, watching what felt like every other girl flirting with him, and Aisling trying to console me without giving anything away while we were living in the dorm together.

The more I think about it the more extraordinary our story seems to me. The Captain is the only boy who ever gave me flowers, and I still have the first one he ever gave me pressed in my old journal. He's also the only one who ever told me I was beautiful. Other than my dad the Captain was my first dance partner, and neither of us has ever been in another relationship.

Looking over the pictures the Mouse took of us it's ... I don't really know how to describe it. They make me think of heros from my childhood. Wesley from the Princess Bride, the prince from Sleeping Beauty, Morgan from Magic Island, Caspian from the Narnia books, Jim from Treasure Island, Ivanhoe, Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. The Captain is like all of them, or twice of all of them. They seem so... halfhearted now. I don't know how else to explain it.

We took some pictures out on the bridge the Captain built over the creek. When we started courting he took me out to show me the cables they had just recently finished stringing across. When we were walking to the bridge I commented that we were standing somewhere nearby when he asked to court me. He took me a few steps closer to the bank and said that we were standing there exactly looking at a recently fallen tree which is still there. I'm blown away that he remembers so well. All I remember are the flowers and him smiling, but knowing that he remembers it makes it twice as sweet.

Writing

Working on my book. Gonna work on my book... book, book, book... I just thought the word book over and over instead of actually working on my book.

Ok, Character names! I'll work on Character names. I need lots of Character names! Character names will bring the whole book to life and make everything seem so real! But if I have too many character names will I confuse my audience? Does giving a character a name mean they have to be more than a background character? Nah, it'll be fine, besides I can remember at least 12 of Gandalf's names from Lord of the Rings.

Ok, Character names! What kind of character names?

Ugh! Naming Characters is so difficult! Why does it have to be this difficult! Do they need names? I can invent a culture that doesn't use names. That would be a really confusing culture. 

Frederick... that sounds cool. Wait, that's just a fancy way of saying Fred. Come up with some original character names! Elden. That's just like Eldon from that other story you just wrote! Oh yeah... Uh... Serlin! Sweet that sounds awesome! Wait... it's Merlin with an S...

No one will notice right? Sure, keep going.

Geoffrey, I like Geoffrey. It sounds regal and it looks cool. My main characters should name their son that. Or should I save it and name a kid Geoffrey someday? Can I wait that long to use that cool of a name? Geoffrey deserves to at least be the main character in his own story, even if I don't name a kid that.

What was I doing? Right, names.

Bored with names, back to the plot! Oh right... I was introducing a ton of characters who all need names...

Maybe I'll number them. Guy 1, Guy 2. No, I'll just put 1 and 2.

This is really dumb I'll just give them names. Names bring the whole book to life and make everything seem so real!

Naming characters is so difficult!

*A real inner monologue. Yes this is what I count as "working on my book." It's also why I've been trying to write the same book for eleven years.  =(