My husband and I
have had eighteen failed pregnancy attempts in our roughly two year
marriage. That means there were only about six months where we were not trying to get pregnant. After eighteen attempts and three pregnancies that didn't
last into the second trimester I walk into every Doctor visit waiting
for the words “I'm sorry, but you'll never have kids.” In some
ways I wonder if that might be easier. I could cry and be depressed
and ask God “Why?” and get it out of the way.
I always end up
hopeful instead. I believe every time that “today's the day!”
until it starts getting closer to time to take a pregnancy test. Then
I start to try and be reasonable. I tell myself the test might be
negative. Or the test might be positive and we might lose another
baby. I tell myself to be prepared for anything, not to be surprised
or anxious. I tell myself not to get my hopes up.
Then when the test
is negative I'm crushed. I immediately start to think I'm never going
to have kids, or maybe I was pregnant but I had a really early
miscarriage, or I don't deserve to have kids, or sometime in the next
ten years we'll try to adopt.
It's getting harder
to keep living this way. I can't just think “it'll happen someday”
because I've been taking fertility drugs and ovulation tests. I'm
constantly having to pay attention to trying to get pregnant again.
I'm always either hopeful or ready to crawl back into bed and cry.
So the other night
while I was crying when I should have been sleeping I started to
pray. I wanted to ask God for children, but I've asked Him before to
not let us get pregnant if we're going to have any more miscarriages.
Lord, your will be done? What if His will is for me to remain
childless?
Then Lord, please
take away my desire for children I can't have.
I don't want to
worry that helping out in the nursery will send me into a depression.
I'm tired of having hope that doesn't do anything but break. I'm
tired of hormones and ovulation tests and blood draws for no reason.
I just want to mourn the children we lost, not children we haven't
lost yet.
What it comes down to is this, I want to be content with the blessings God has given me and live my life that way.
