Lord, please take away my desire to have children.

My husband and I have had eighteen failed pregnancy attempts in our roughly two year marriage. That means there were only about six months where we were not trying to get pregnant. After eighteen attempts and three pregnancies that didn't last into the second trimester I walk into every Doctor visit waiting for the words “I'm sorry, but you'll never have kids.” In some ways I wonder if that might be easier. I could cry and be depressed and ask God “Why?” and get it out of the way.

I always end up hopeful instead. I believe every time that “today's the day!” until it starts getting closer to time to take a pregnancy test. Then I start to try and be reasonable. I tell myself the test might be negative. Or the test might be positive and we might lose another baby. I tell myself to be prepared for anything, not to be surprised or anxious. I tell myself not to get my hopes up.

Then when the test is negative I'm crushed. I immediately start to think I'm never going to have kids, or maybe I was pregnant but I had a really early miscarriage, or I don't deserve to have kids, or sometime in the next ten years we'll try to adopt.

It's getting harder to keep living this way. I can't just think “it'll happen someday” because I've been taking fertility drugs and ovulation tests. I'm constantly having to pay attention to trying to get pregnant again. I'm always either hopeful or ready to crawl back into bed and cry.

So the other night while I was crying when I should have been sleeping I started to pray. I wanted to ask God for children, but I've asked Him before to not let us get pregnant if we're going to have any more miscarriages. Lord, your will be done? What if His will is for me to remain childless?

Then Lord, please take away my desire for children I can't have.

I don't want to worry that helping out in the nursery will send me into a depression. I'm tired of having hope that doesn't do anything but break. I'm tired of hormones and ovulation tests and blood draws for no reason. I just want to mourn the children we lost, not children we haven't lost yet. 

What it comes down to is this, I want to be content with the blessings God has given me and live my life that way.

My name is Eustace

My name is Eustace.

2013 was not a very good year for me. It was my first year of marriage to my wonderful husband and  was filled with happiness in that regard. We were growing closer together and enjoying being able to be completely open with each other. The world continued to move though, and the world is a broken place.

I had never really encountered death before, so I was horrified when I suddenly miscarried last February. After that it seemed like death would not stop coming. An elderly friend of mine passed away not long after the miscarriage, and then only a few weeks after her funeral a young man my husband knew was killed in a motorcycle crash. We had another miscarriage, and a month after that I found out that a girl I had been praying for had been raped and murdered.

When I had the second miscarriage I began to have trouble coping. I was afraid of death, not for myself since I know that I am looking forward to joining God in Heaven. I was afraid of losing someone close to me and started having nightmares about my husband being killed.

I also started to have body image issues, which I had proudly said I had never dealt with. I simply could not feel pretty in a body so broken it couldn't even keep my children alive.

Through much of this year I found it very difficult to pray. What was the point of talking to God when all I wanted was my children back and I knew I could not have them? I knew that I should rely on God, and I wanted to. I desperately wanted Him to give me peace so I could stop feeling so utterly broken.

I don't think that was the point though.

We were talking with friends the other night about the lie cycling around that God will not give you more suffering than you can take. We read an article (And I can't remember what the article was or I would cite it) explaining that comes from the verse 1 Corinthians 10:13.

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

The verse is not talking about suffering, it speaks of temptation. The Bible is filled with great suffering. The early church saw many martyrs who we look up to now as great examples of faith, but realistically they died terrible deaths. At the end of Job it skims over him getting everything he had and more, but he lost so many children and I can't imagine that not continuing to hurt him. Even Jesus suffered. Not only did He suffer physically (one more stroke of the whip would have been considered a death sentence) but He took all of the guilt of all humanity, everything that has or will ever be called sin and laid all of the blame on Him and His heart.

My name is Eustace. I'm not used to this.

In the Chronicles of Narnia The Voyage of the Dawn Treader there is a boy named Eustace. He started the story as the one everyone loves to hate. When I was reading the story with my mom we used to call him Useless. Halfway through the story Eustace goes off on his own, steals from a dragon's hoard, and is turned into a dragon. Before the story ends he meets Aslan and tries to remove his dragon skin on his own, but no matter how many layers he sheds he remains a dragon. It is not until Aslan digs in His own claws, and Eustace goes through that pain, that Eustace is turned back into a boy.

In my own way I believe that God allows us to suffer beyond what we can cope with until we are completely broken before Him. Not because He likes to see us in pain, but because we have to know that without Him we are completely helpless. We can say it all we like but until we loose everything that gives us more comfort or security than we rely on God for, we are clearly not relying completely on God. I would go so far as to say anything we rely on more than God becomes our god, our idol.

I had been trying to just be okay. The days when I crawled back into bed crying felt like defeat. When I prayed I asked God to give me peace and help me make it through another day. It felt like those prayers were not being answered, I still felt broken and some days I still feel crushed with sadness. However, God knows what I really need. I don't need anything like I need Him, children, health, sanity. If I need to be stripped of everything to finally say that God is truly all I need, then God in His mercy is taking it away from me.

My Name is Eustace.