**DISCLAIMER** I was told I should probably put some kind of warning on here to let everyone know that I talk about sex in this blog entry. I didn't put anything explicit, but there it is.
Over the past several years I've heard a lot of questions about Courting from friends, family members, random people at school, almost everyone I've ever spoken to. I was thinking about them recently and thought I'd respond to them at last. Just a note, these are all real things that real people have said to me.
“You're never gonna date anyone? How are you ever going to get married?”
I heard this one before the Captain and I were courting. I thought the obvious answer was that I'd meet a guy who also didn't want to date, who met my requirements for a good husband (my requirements were that he had to love God, had to want to homeschool our kids, and be mentally and financially stable), and we'd get to know each other before gettin' hitched. Oh look! That's what happened.
“You only want to marry him for his money.”
What money? If there was money it wouldn't have taken us this long to get engaged.
Oh right, the whole “I don't want to work, I want to stay home with the kids” thing. There's a big difference between sitting on the couch eating bon bons and spending all my husbands money, and spending the entire day washing dishes and telling kids they need to get their school work done before they can go play.
“Is he really into all that old stuff too?”
You mean old stuff like when I dress up in Medieval dresses and run around at the Renfest? Actually, he's not, I think he's afraid I'll try to make him wear tights. If you mean “Did you drag this courting thing up because you're trying to live in a fantasy version of olden times?” the answer is no. We both hated the idea of dating and decided that we wanted to use the more old fashioned term “Courting” because it doesn't have the connotation of “Hey! We're sleeping together!”
“You're sleeping together right?”
No.
“Are you ever going to?” “Don't worry, I'll explain it to you before the wedding.”
Whoa! We both have parents to explain it to us, and it seems like a pretty simple concept to me. Also, if a couple of middle schoolers can figure it out in the locker room I think the Captain and I will be just fine without your help thanks.
“Why don't you just do it?”
If it was just about sex we wouldn't be courting, or probably planning on getting married. The point is really to please God. I believe He would be disappointed in us if we were just like “Well, we're almost married let's not wait anymore.” And frankly, knowing that God was disappointed in me is the worst thing I can imagine doing. I would die first.
Also, it's proving our commitment to each other and that our relationship is based on more than sex. Because the Captain has been working so hard to get to a point where we can get married instead of just doing whatever, has really shown my family (mainly my dad) what an amazing guy he really is.
“I wish I had waited like you.”
Cool, then can we stop talking about how stupid it is to wait?
“Do your parents approve?”
Why wouldn't they?
“Do you like his family?”
His sister is my best friend and his mom and other sister are probably the closest other friends I have. I love his family.
“You don't kiss?! Do you hug? Do you hold hands?” “You're gonna look stupid at your wedding if you've never kissed before.” “What if he's a bad kisser?”
It's hard for me to not get really passionate about this one. I've been holding back calling the girl who told me we'd look stupid all kinds of names ever since she said it. Luckily I haven't seen her in years. Still, at least I won't look like a slut at my wedding.
UPDATE: We did look silly at our wedding. It totally didn't matter, and we've had lots of practice since ;)
And what if he is a bad kisser? I've never kissed anyone either, what if I'm a bad kisser? Should we call off the whole wedding just in case? It's about more than kissing just like it's about more than sex. More on that later though...
“You're never alone together?”
For the whole not having sex thing to work you have to draw lines somewhere. If you're kissing and hugging and cuddled up together alone in your bedroom under the blankets, you're not about to go “Oh but we have to stop now and not have sex.”
Mom made it clear my whole life that boys were not allowed in my room and I wasn't allowed in a boy's room. I also decided when I got my purity ring that I wanted my first kiss to be at my wedding. I felt that it makes that kiss much more special, it's not just “Mwah we're getting married” it's the first kiss ever, but also as man and wife.
“What if you get married and find out he has an STD?” “What if he's secretly a girl?” “What if...”
If the Captain had some big awful secret he was keeping from me his sisters probably would have told me, if not his mother. And, if he had an STD he'd be dead cuz his mother would have killed him. My mom would have done the same to me.
Also, if he was a girl his mother wouldn't have named him Gabriel. She probably would have named him Susie and I would be a lot less interested.
“You two are never going to have a fulfilling sex life if you don't have sex before you're married.”
Selfishness abounds! Since when did promiscuity become equal to fulfillment? If all you care about is really good sex, and you're willing to toss people aside like trash when you get bored with them, do you really feel fulfilled when you look back on it? And similarly, if you have been cast aside, (ladies especially) didn't that hurt? Even just watching kids at school date around while not necessarily sleeping together, I saw so many broken hearts. That's why I determined when I was young that I would never have my heart broken. I gave my heart only to the Captain, and he has been taking very good care of it.
The idea that having lots of sex with lots of people will somehow help you have better sex is ridiculous to me. Treating people like they don't matter at all, and being used by people who don't think you matter at all doesn't make good sex.
My Senior year in High school we walked into Marriage Family and Finance class (A required Senior class at my school) one day, and the teacher had written on the board “The Best Sex Ever.” The point she made was the exact opposite of “I'm gonna run around and sleep with everyone in sight because that will give me fulfillment!” Her point was what I believe, that faithfulness and only having sex with your spouse, saving it for marriage as part of your covenant to them that you made before God, is the best sex. (And in a perfect world would be the only sex.)
I don't understand how anyone got the idea that sleeping around would lead to a good marriage. Maybe that's why there are so many divorces, because people are so focused on themselves that they can't work together, or even love each other, the way God intended. If you've trained yourself to throw people aside for more interesting sex, how long are you going to stay with one person because you married them? You might looooooove them, but do you care about them enough to keep all of your marriage vows so long as you both shall live?
It's what I started to say about kissing. Who cares if we're good at kissing? Who cares if we're good at sex? You shouldn't, it's private. Plus, sex isn't really what's important,what matters to me is being completely faithful to my husband, and being secure in the knowledge that he is (will be) completely faithful to me.
“What does your wedding dress look like?”
White.
